I STILL love you all. More than words.
So before I left for my mission, Mike gave me a bunch of letters to open for moments I need them, like I did for Millzie. And you know what I did last night? After about a month of not even looking at my box of letters, I decided to dig it out from the cabinet and search for a particular envelope. And there she was: "Open when you are the happiest you've ever been in your life." I went outside on our balcony, said a little prayer of gratitude, and opened it up. And I guess that news alone can tell you how I'm doing.
It was such an interesting week for me, such a strange and lovely chain of thoughts and events that added up and turned into real happiness. It seemed like in all my personal studies I would have new thoughts, and through the day everything seemed to revolve around what Id been thinking about. Then the next day I would learn something new, and it would build right on what Id been thinking about the day before, and so on and so forth, and by the end of the week, I felt like a brand-new missionary, full of fresh new ideas and wishes and perspective on life. And all of that came from reading the scriptures and praying for one hour in the morning. I believe in studying the scriptures. I have actually received personal revelation and inspiration from Heavenly Father by doing it. I believe very much in the importance of being still and making time to communicate with God. It's real.
One of the moments I had this week, I was just sitting on the brown tile outside and the sun was shining on me, and I just sat back and closed my eyes and started thinking. It seems funny, but what I thought about was this - If I was going to die in 20 minutes, how would I feel and what would I do? First I'd pray. Then, pretending that I could somehow make a phone card appear out of nowhere, I would definitely call home. And I just imagined the conversation I would have with Mom. None of this is in a creepy way, ya know? It was just a little thinking exercise I did. At the end of the 10 minutes or so that I thought about it, you know how I was feeling? One hundred percent happy. Because I know that if for some crazy reason I were to leave this life today, I would know without a doubt that I would see you all again, and that what's waiting for us next is a big adventure. I know that because of Jesus Christ, everything works out. If I was going to die, I would tell you that I love you. I love you, love you, love you. And I love our Savior. I would just say, Keep all the covenants you've made. And then I could leave. And it would be totally okay.
And then I started thinking, ya know, it's probably not going to be today, and it's probably not going to be this year or any of the upcoming years. I'm hoping I get to be a sweet old grandma one day, 'cuz I think that sounds nice, and I want to make cookies for my grandkids and plant pumpkins with my husband in our overalls and all that lovely stuff. But I thought, oh my goodness, one day I'm going to actually die. Just like Siggy says on What About Bob - "I am going to die. YOU are going to die." :) But really! It's going to happen.
So you know what life is? It really is a gift. It's such a short, wonderful gift. I think it's beautiful. Which is interesting, because on my mission I have heard and seen things that I neeeever really realized happened in this world, or at least I didn't comprehend their reality like I do now. I am talking about suffering. I have met people here that know what it is to suffer. Not just be hungry or have a little house. I mean actually suffer deep sorrow and pain and fear, to live atrocious, wicked, disgusting things. You would think that this would make me less hopeful and positive. But even though I have seen a lot of darkness and sadness, the message that I have really learned on my mission is this:
John 16:33 - These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.
The Atonement of Jesus Christ is a real thing. Christ is actually a Real Being, he is our Brother. His grace is the divine power that enters us and purifies us and gives us strength beyond our own. It is that grace that allows us to pick ourselves up after we fall and try again. It is that grace that gives us hope for a better world and the faith to act on that hope. His grace makes all broken things whole and all good things better. He truly descended below all things and then He conquered them. And because He knows all things, all sadness and regret and injustice, and conquered them, He is the One who can help us. He offers us His grace, His divine power, when we live the gospel. The gospel is having faith in Christ, repenting, being baptized, receiving the Holy Ghost, and then enduring to the end. When we live the gospel and accept His grace, we receive it. And then we can truly "do all things through Christ which strengtheneth us" (Phillipians 4:13). I know this is true because I have seen it. I have seen people healed, I have watched them overcome wicked things through living the gospel. And I personally know it's true.
Now I would just like to say something. I don't even know who reads these letters, 'cuz I know Mom puts them up, so I don't know if its just like Court and Katie and our little family, or if other friends and family members keep up on it. But maybe if there are some people who are reading this who don't feel like they are really gospel-y, or believe-y, or maybe you are believe-y but you aren't really participating-y, I would like to tell you something.
I really do know that this gospel is true. And it's hard sometimes to get to that point. Do you all remember my letters from the beginning? If I didn't make it clear then, I will say it right now- I really went through the ringer, spiritual-wise. I flat out had moments where I didn't know what I believed. I had all kinds of moments where I thought - this really is weird. This is really a very strange thing I am doing and preaching and do I really have the right to go out there and say I know this is true? Sometimes I'd think about people I love and respect, so many people, who don't know it or don't show it. And I'd think, Am I just in my own little world? Am I just following some made-up theory or the culture of my little Utah home?
Well now I just want to say that I know it's true. Its just me, Micail, talking, and I really do believe in the gospel. I still have tons of stuff that I don't understand, but I have enough evidence to prove to me that this is true. Most of the evidence is not physical. But it is much more real and important than anything you could touch or see. It is moments in prayer when your heart truly connects to heaven and you feel a pure, peaceful feeling of love. It is happiness that fills you up from head to toe. It is assurance that all will be well. I am truly making the claim that this gospel is true, that Christ lives, and He is our Savior.
Alma 30: 40-41: And now what evidence have ye that there is no God, or that Christ cometh not? I say unto you that ye have none, save it be your word only.
But, behold, I have all things as a testimony that these things are true; and ye also have all things as a testimony unto you that they are true; and will ye deny them?
So I'll come back to the whole "We are going to die" thing. Our lives really are just little moments in the whole span of our existence. It's so important that we get them figured out and live them well. And I am telling you that the gospel is the way to true happiness. It allows us to overcome all things, and its what makes this little gift of life, as crazy or hard or strange as it may be, beautiful. The true gospel is the reason that I opened that little gray envelope this week.
If you don't believe the gospel is true or you aren't living according to what you believe, what is holding you back? No one's gonna force you, no one is going to hate you either for just trying to figure this out a little bit. Be brave enough to just try. If nothing else, you have the testimony of one little person living in the middle of the Pacific Ocean telling you that it's true. So say a prayer today. He really is listening.
I love you with all my heart. I love you, forever and ever!
-Soeur Mann
P.S. This is my area. Isn't she lovely?
